Life with Cptsd

Come along side as I share my life living with complex-ptsd. Since 14 years old I’ve dealt with sexual abuse, rapes and assaults, forced into prostitution at age 14, drug use , abusive relationships and much more trauma . It’s been 15 years since the time

Well where do start? I'm currently laying on my bed with my 9 year old son who's on his computer , asking me a million questions while I'm trying to write from my heart, I'll sum up a bit of my life for you and as I blog more I can share more about those experiences ( which I don't wann do lol) I was born in a strict Christian home as the oldst of 7. Many years later I found out that my dad wasn't my biological father . When I was a teenager I was sexually abused. I began acting out , trying drugs and running away from home. A year later I fell into the wrong croud who later forced me into sex trafficking. I was 15 at the time . I was fed drugs ,made to do unthinkably degradable things while locked in an alarm home . the only time i was allowed out was with a bodyguard.
eventually I got away after months and months of trying. They tried looking for me but stopped when they found out I was pregnant. Years went by full of drugs . I had 2 more children after that and my parents took care of then . I lived on the streets and did what I could to survive. It was not unusual to be beaten or rapped in a night .I spent alot of time in and out of jail as well . In 2006 I eventually hit my rock bottom and changed my life. I found Jesus Christ , married an amazing man and had a child together . Yes , the one beside me still asking a million questions . I could write for hours about my past but I won't . I've been diagnosed with complex ptsd. It's crazy to think that the things 14 years ago could still cause so much pain . But let me tell you . A brain with trauma does not forget. Actually it's the opposite the brain still thinks the trauma is happening NOW. And the brain is connected to the body . So In short cptsd isn't just a brain disorder it also effects your body !! Headaches , anxiety, ibs , pain . The brain is such a complex organ 🧠  I will stop here because even writing that little bit was draining for me . Please remember , there is help for traumatic minds . 

God bless 

Heidi 

☘️DONT LET YOUR STRUGGLE BECOME YOUR IDENTITY 🌿

A typical day

When I first open my eyes in the morning it differs each day . I could either have been awake all night with such bad anxiety that the thought of closing my eyes just to have nightmares is a hell of it’s own . Or I’ve been able to sleep with nightmares , which is a normal part of my night. So it’s a toss up! Either way nights suck . I do try to Remember to thank God when I wake up that I’m alive and I’ve survived another night . But sometimes I feel anger towards Him . Why do I have to live like this? Some nights I feel like I’m wrestling with the devil in my brain . I just crawl into a ball and pray as the devil whispers “you don’t deserve to live “ . When the darkness turns to morning light I always feel some peace and can sleep for a couple hours . Well now it’s time to be a functional human being ! My mind just wants to stay in bed but motherhood and work call my name . Some days I can just get through my daily tasks but some days every task is so hard . Between the horrible anxiety, flashbacks and physical symptoms from trauma it can make just making my kids breakfast hard . So I force myself . Get dressed, go to work , take care of Ian , clean the house , and then make dinner . By the time my poor husband gets home after a 16 hour work day . I have no energy to even have a normal conversation with him . Every day differs from another but they are all hard. Some days the physical symptoms are so bad that. My whole body hurts , terrible headaches, throwing up , stomach pain . I have an amazing therapist who works with me. We do a therapy called OEI ( I’ll explain more later) it’s very helpful but also to heal from trauma you have to work through it first and that part sucks . The difference between ptsd and complex ptsd is that complex ptsd is years of trauma and different kinds like daily assaults, rapes , witnessing horrible things . Many different traumas . Ptsd would be a certain event . Like a car crash or war .both can not be cured but with help can be manageable but takes years . People have told me to tell my story that it could help so many people . The thought made me sick to even think of telling people about me . But here I am and no I'm not excited to do it but if I can help just one person it was worth it for me 

God bless 

Heidi 

.🌿when there's pain in the night joy comes in the morning 🌿